Being a Transformer must be kind of awesome. I mean, you’ve got at least two options for what you be at any time, one being a (typically big) alien robot and the other often being less conspicuous but still known for speed, power, or general awesomeness.
But not every Transformer can be be a Ferrari, fighter jet, Tyrannosaurus Rex, or space battleship. Or even a Volkswagen Beetle, biplane, giraffe, or flying laser pistol. No, some have to be cassette tapes, watches (that killed Hitler), lampposts, or unidentifiable flying objects.
And then there are these guys…
So here are six of the worst things that any Transformer has ever been stuck turning into. (I mean, some of these are pretty cool, but it would suck to be any of them.)
#6 – A shoe
Courtesy of the Japan-only Transformers: Sports Label we have the worst thing that Optimus Prime has ever been, narrowly beating out the Target gift card because people don’t stick their feet inside gift cards. This is a licensed Nike product, and if you look at his feet you’ll notice he’s wearing what he turns into, because it wouldn’t be Transformers without challenging conventional ideas of scale.
#5 – A “submarine” with exposed seats
Sixshot has six modes, so it’s expected that none of them will be perfect. But one of them got worse for his Titans Return update.
Yes, I know it’s just his original gun mode (which was always his worst mode anyway) turned upside down and called a submarine because America has more restrictions on toy guns than on real ones, but the point is that it’s called a submarine. And it has open seats.
Sixshot shouldn’t complain though, since he’s also got his robot, car, tank, jet, and wolf modes.
#4 – A third of a camera
There are a number of Transformers that turn into small devices and gadgets; but only one trio of robots who each only make part of one. Reflector is either three characters or one character with three bodies, but either way, what good is just a third of a camera?
(Of course the ones who make half a vehicle aren’t that much better off.)
#3 – Food
All right, now here’s the real reason I wanted to do this. Last week Hasbro announced a new Transformers line that definitely can’t be accused of taking itself too seriously. Called Botbots (I guess “Shopcons” was too on-the-nose), the idea is that Energon mist brought a lot of things all over a shopping mall to life.
And of course malls have food courts, and candy stores. Which means now we have Transformers who turn to donuts, nachos, soda cups, chocolate bars, etc. I don’t really need to explain why a living robot wouldn’t normally want to turn to food, do I?
Actually, I wonder if Remorsel had that bite taken out him right before he came to life, or right after…
I could have filled the whole list with these guys (hairspray, a bonsai tree, a rock, deodorant…) but I wanted some variety.
There’s a popsicle penguin, a vampire cupcake, a bonsai dragon, pirate soap, and names like The Plop Father, Shredder Jack, Fit Ness Monster, and Unilla Icequeencone. This line is absolutely insane and I am probably going to spend way too much money on it.
#2 – Landing gear for an accessory
There have been other Transformers that need extra parts to complete their vehicle mode, like the original Starscream’s landing gear. But Gunrunner does the exact opposite; the jet mode is formed almost entirely from the turret on top of his Pretender Shell, and the robot himself just folds up into a box and attaches to the bottom of it.
Gunrunner has a car and a jet, which is fine except for the part where he’s called a Transformer.
#1 – Toilet paper
There is one Botbot that I have to single out, although honestly, this poor guy’s life is crappy enough. King Toots changes from a mummy-themed robot to a roll of toilet paper. And I don’t think there’s anything I can add to that.