Meeting the Parents

Here’s a little story I wrote in one day.

Meeting the Parents

              Opening the door to meet Beth’s family was the hardest thing Lucy had ever done. Beth had only been trying to prepare Lucy, but maybe she’d warned her a little too much. But Lucy had always been taught to face her fears, so she held back her nervousness and knocked.

              A man that Lucy assumed was Beth’s father opened the door. He scanned her up and down more than once before saying anything. “Are you Lucy?”

              “Yes.”

              “Come in. We’ve been expecting you.”

              She was already late for dinner, so she was quickly introduced to Beth’s mother Mary and her brother Chris, but was eating with them before she really knew them.

              Beth said “See, didn’t I tell you she was hot?”

              Chris said “She sure is. Hey, Lucy, are you sure you’re gay?”

              “How rude! I don’t ask your girlfriends if they’re sure they’re straight. Of course after a date with you they usually aren’t anymore.”

              “Mom! Beth’s insulting me.”

              Mary said “Well, you should know better than to hit on her lesbian friends.”

              Lucy said “Technically I am bisexual, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be off-limits to him.”

              “Can’t make up your mind, can you?” Lucy facepalmed.

              Beth’s father, Joseph – no, really, Joseph and Mary, and Lucy found it hard to resist asking questions about their kids’ names that she doubted they would appreciate – took another look at Lucy. “Hair isn’t blue, no tattoos or piercing that I can see. Do you have tattoos or piercing where I can’t see?”

              Beth covered her own face. “Dad! That’s even ruder than what Chris said!”

              “Well, have you seen parts of Lucy that I can’t right now?”

              “Dad!

              “It’s just, she doesn’t seem your usual type. She’s…normal.”

              “I’m sure you’ll find something about her you don’t like. You always do.”

              Mary asked “So, Lucy, what do your parents do for a living?”

              Lucy swallowed her potatoes. “It’s just my mom. She’s a college professor.”

              “Where does your father live, then?”

              “Nowhere. He was murdered a few years ago.”

              “Well, I’m sure he’s in heaven now.” Lucy squirmed. “Or…Lucy, what religion are you?” That was the question she dreaded; hardly anyone ever reacted well to the answer.

              Beth wasn’t bothered by it, of course. “Mom!”

              A monster-shaped hole suddenly appeared in the wall. The monster that had come through it grabbed Beth with its tentacles.

              Joseph dropped his fork. “What the hell?”

              Lucy sighed. “Not now. And seriously, a tentacle monster? So unoriginal.” Beth cried out in pain. Lucy realized that she had no choice; she had to transform in front of Beth’s family. “Infernal Flame Power! Make Up!” All her clothes disappeared in a flash of flame and she started to spin around.

              Chris said “I see boobies!”

              Mary said “Not now, Chris!”

              Piece by piece, Lucy’s costume appeared on her body. The black and red tights with the inverted pentagram on the chest. The purple boots that had kicked so much ass, and the matching gloves. The skirt she hated because it was so short it made her look more naked than she would in just the tights. The mask with the ram’s head emblem between the eyes. And of course her favored weapon, the trident.

              “You’re a superhero?”

              Chris said “Isn’t your star thingy upside down?”

              Lucy shook her head and posed dramatically. “No, it’s supposed to be that way. Because I’m…Satan Girl!”

              “Where are those trumpets coming from?”

              “I don’t know, they play every time I say my name. Satan Girl!”

              Mary said “Satan Girl? Are you a hero or a demon?”

              “Yes.”

              “Just please, save Beth.”

              “Of course.” Fortunately, Chris wasn’t the only one who’d dropped what he was doing to stare at her transformation; monsters never did learn to stop doing that. Satan Girl traced a pentagram in the air with her trident, and it appeared there, a symbol of pure light in the air. And as she traced the circle around it, all the other runes she needed appeared as well.

              “Is that going to summon a demon or something?”

              “Actually, I’m just going to shoot through it.” Satan Girl reached behind herself and pulled a revolver out of hammerspace, and pointed it directly at the monster’s head. She pulled the trigger, and when the bullet reached the pentagram it vanished, replaced with an inferno of orange flame that completely engulfed the monster.

              “Beth! Lucy, you…you killed her!”

              “Wait for it.”

              The flame wasn’t spreading, but shrinking, without actually burning anything. When it vanished completely, the monster was gone, but Beth sat on the floor unharmed.

              Mary ran to her daughter and hugged her, which seemed to be when Beth first noticed something was missing. “Why am I topless? The rest of my clothes are fine, which if anything makes even less sense.”

              Satan Girl explained “Hellfire only burns things that are evil. Where’d you get that shirt?”

              “Wal-Mart.”

              “That explains it.”

              Satan Girl transformed back to Lucy while Beth went upstairs to get another top, and then they all sat back down to resume dinner, ignoring the monster-shaped hole in the wall.

              Mary said “I’m sorry Lucy, but I don’t think you should see Beth anymore.”

              Lucy asked “Is it because I’m a superhero? You think I’m putting her in danger?”

              “No, dating a superhero is totally cool. And you’re a lot less obnoxious than the one I used to date: Watchtower-Man.”

              “Is he the one that leaves pamhplets behind with every person he rescues?”

              “Yes. God knows – if you’ll excuse the expression – what I ever saw in him.”

              “Is it because I’m a Satanist?”

              “Not at all. We have freedom of religion in this country and I respect that…except for those damn Methodists.”

              “You saw the tattoo on my butt when I transformed, didn’t you?”

              “It’s cute. It’s less obscene than the one I have.”

              “You just don’t like Beth being gay at all, do you?”

              “What an offensive accusation!”

              “Then what is it?”

              “Dear, you’re eating your steak with your salad fork.”

This was in response to this week’s writing challenge at The Daily Post. The theme was That’s Absurd.

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